86 men
by silvershadowling
Summary: 86 men, that was the number of Hellsing member that died when the Valentine brothers attacked, she knows that for sure, she counted them as she put a bullet through each of their heads. 86 men who died because of her incompetence. Perhaps, she was a monster. Can Seras help take her mind off of things?


_Rated M for some swearing and references to violent events_

…_._

_86_

86,that was the number of men who lost their life because of her.

That was 86 men who turned into ghouls, 86 men she had to go and put out of their misery with a bullet to the brain.

86 men who lost their life because of her own incompetence and lack of preparation.

She sat on her desk, cigar in her mouth.

_Fuck._

_God fucking damn._

She spit out the cigar almost as soon as she had lit it and crushed it with her hand, the embers burning through her gloves. She hissed when it began to burn her flesh, and she finally pulled away.

When was the last time she had actually finished a cigar? When did she last enjoy its taste, reveled in the familiar scent, the scent of her father who she missed so much? When was the last time before she began to lite and dispose of them in anger? When had they lost the comfort they once brought her?

She leaned back in her chair, sinking into it.

86 men...and that was only the amount of men she lost today. What about the other men she lost on the job every day? What about the two body guards she had taken with her that Anderson has murdered?

What about everyman woman and child she had ordered to their death through Alucard?

It seemed as though she was meant to only be surrounded by death, and nothing else but death. Bodies seems to drop around her like flies. The only ones by her side, was Walter, her butler, an ex-exterminator, and two already dead vampires.

She had no friends, no family. The only thing she lived for was to serve the Queen and to protect England.

She reach for a drawer, and pulled out a bottle of Vodka and a shot glass. She poured herself a drink, quickly chugged it down, slamming the glass on her desk to fill it up again.

She almost never went out of her way to get drunk. She drank only when necessary, for example when attending an event such as a charity event or the royal family's gatherings, and then it would be wine or champagne. But every once in a while, she felt the need for something stronger in order to take her mind off of thing, if only for a short while.

She was in the process of throwing her head back to drown down her forth glass when she heard a timid knock on the door.

She knew of only one person stupid enough to knock on her door at this time.

"What is it Seras?" She half heatedly yelled out.

The Draculina opened the door and entered, closing the door behind her. _For the love of God! She hadn't even waited for permission to enter. The audacity_!

"Sir?"

"What is it?! I do not enjoy asking twice."

"Sorry, it's just I...well... Never mind." She turned to leave, opening the doors once more.

Integrate glared at her, "What?! You already disturbed me spit it out."

"I just wanted to say thank you."

Integra froze.

_Thank you?_

"What."

"I just wanted to say thank you."

She closed the doors again behind her and walked closer towards Integra's desk.

"Thank you for stopping me out there when I...when I lost it." She said, clearing her throat.

Integra nodded.

"No need to thank me...I...you..." She was at a loss for words. _I was only doing my job? You were only doing your job? It's fine? It's understandable? _

She was unsure how to proceed.

Seras walked up until she was in front of her desk.

"I know it's been a long day and many lives were lost."

_86 lives_

"But...thank you for stopping me, I lost control of myself...I could have hurt someone...I could have gotten myself killed or someone else... So thank you."

"Your welc-...you would have done the same." She told her, trying her hardest to not stumble over her speech.

Seras looked at her puzzled wondering what she meant by that.

Integra wanted her to go away, she was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol she had consumed and was fearful of doing, or saying something she would come to regret.

"Are you alright Sir?"

Integra said nothing.

"Sir...I think you've had enough." Seras went to her side and put the alcohol away.

_Wrong drawer._

She let her head hang heavy in her shoulders. Her hair cascading into her face as she slumped over most unladylike like.

Seras noticed the smashed cigar on the table and the burned glove.

"Are you hurt Sir?" She asks.

Integra shakes her head to signal no.

_Her hand felt raw, but it wasn't all that hurt._

Integra felt a pair of cold hands shakily placed on her shoulders. She turned to look behind her. She saw a worried looking Seras.

She stood on shake feet and felt Seras hands slide down off her shoulders and onto her back.

...

Serras let the tips of her fingers linger there for a fraction of a second before taking a step back to let Integra get out.

She could hear Integra's breathing over the sound of the chair scraping the floor. She could hear her hear beat, and the blood pumping thorough her veins, as it rushed to her cheeks.

She took hold of Integra's hand and heard the blood rush a little faster. Seras wondered what was going through Integra's head.

...

Integra let Seras hold her hand. She didn't know why but it comforted her some way. Seras opened the door and murmured "Let's take you to your room Sir." Before leading Integra out of the room.

She walked to the end of the hallway before sheepishly looking up at her and asking, "Where is your room Sir?"

"Top floor."

Seras nodded, and squeezed her hand a little tighter before turning left. They would have to take the stairs, the elevator had been broken in the attack.

Integra kept her head down, not thinking, not really focusing on anything. It was almost as though she wasn't there. It wasn't until she saw the moonlight streaming in from the windows, illuminating the blood stained floor that she remembered where she was and what had happened.

_86 men_

She felt herself stifle a...what was it...a whimper?

_86 lives lost_

_Lost at her command_

_Who was the real monster?_

It was true, she hadn't wanted them to die or wished them any misfortune, but she had sent them to their death, was it not her who ordered them to their death in order to save herself.

Did that make her a monster? It's not as though she valued her life another others but, she had a mission, and these men paid the price. She sacrificed a few for the many, but it did not in any way make it easier.

And. Now that she thought about it, she was the last Hellsing left. If she died, who would continue the Hellsing organization? Walter? He wouldn't be around forever. Actually now that she thought about it, when she was gone, who would Hellsing go to? Would it simply disappear? Maybe that was the best choice rather that it go into the wrong hands.

She bumped into Seras, where they on the third floor already? Seras looked at her and smiled, "Which is your room?"

"The last one."

At least there was no blood here.

Seras walked until she reached the end of the hall and then she opened the door to Integra's room.

It was the same room she had had as a child. She could never bear to move into her father's room, it was a painful reminder of his death.

Her room was neither big nor small. It was comfortable enough, and orderly, the way she liked it.

The walls where pained a light blue, and she had white curtains on the large glass doors leading to the balcony.

She had a large bookshelf and a red leather sofa. She had a dresser on which she had a tea set.

As she passed her mirror, she saw her reflection, she seemed to tower over Seras, which greatly amused her.

Seras led her to the bed and sat her down on it.

"Goodnight." She whispered to her, drawing her hand away from Integra's own. She took one step toward the door.

"Wait!" Integra called out in a panic.

"Don't leave me...please...vampire girl."

She sounded like a wounded animal.

Seras walked back to the bed, Integra reached for her hand.

Seras sat down on the bed next to hers.

"Yes Master."

Now, never let it be said Integra wasn't a strong women because hell hath no fury like Integra. She was powerful, she had two vampires working for her, not only that but the Vampire King, Alucard. She had made grown men cry. She sent people running when she went to war. Integra was a hell of a person to deal with.

She was so strong, but ever so alone. Perhaps it was the she changed that, and perhaps that's why she asked for Seras to stay.

She pulled Seras into her arms and hugged her like a child holding a doll. _She feels so cold. _She placed a kiss on her forehead and kicked off her shoes, before pulling her down with her into the comforter on top of the bed.

Seras said nothing, but didn't pull away.

"Stay"

Integra said once more.

Seras turned over to face her and smile.

"I will."

Integra finally closed her eyes.

_86 men_

It was her fault that she hadn't fully prepared for an emergency like that, but the enemy would fall. They would pay to what they had done, for all the innocent lives they had taken on that day, and on all the other days where freak vampires had taken innocent lives.

Integra would make them pay.

…

Hope you enjoyed it.

As to it being more of a Mother daughter relationship or a romantic interest, I do not know…I mean I ship them, but it didn't feel right to have them together like that in this story. Let me know what you think!


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